The One-Step Post LFW Detox

So LFW14 and all it’s complimentary drinks came and went and wasn’t that swell? But now you’re looking at puffiness, dark circles, red eye and skin resembling a British winter. You’re feeling, as my mum likes to say, vulnerable. Not only is life waiting outside your front door, (noises, people and their noises!) but you might even have other parties in the near futuremaybe even tonight. Before you consider booking a flight to Tulum, faking a doctors appointment or turning off your time-stamp on What’sApp – don’t worry, because I’ve got a (convenient one-step) plan for you.


Have you ever heard of Umeboshi plums? Neither had I until recently. A staple part of the Japanese diet, Umeboshi are a salty (see disclaimer) and sour plum, here to change your life.

“They’re so amazing. This doctor in Geneva who heals people with his hands and shit said they were the most powerful detoxifying ingredient money can buy”, explains my friend, who swears by them crushed into hot water at night. Whilst I’m yet to vouch for the Swiss Jesus, a mere few days of sipping the broth of one plum daily has seen my energy levels rocket and my perpetually bloated stomach flatten.

Umeboshi Plums have amazing medicinal properties. Though they are powerfully acidic, they have a paradoxical alkalinizing effect on the body, neutralizing fatigue, stimulating the digestion and promoting the elimination of toxins. Back in the times when Samurai was all the rage, this was a mandatory battle ration to fight fatigue and wounds during combat.

Not only will a single plum stimulate digestion, it is (unlike a Bloody Mary) the most legit hangover cure around due to its high salt content. This type of salt clarifies, purifies and alkalises whilst stimulating the kidneys, promoting fluid metabolism and hydrating parched organs. In one saline-y sip, it will also take the edge right off of that nausea and dizziness as well as powerfully eliminating the toxins lurking in your liver.

A satisfying life is all about balance. Party for a few days and then drink green things. For me, it’s prosecco and bee pollen, sea bass and a plate of chips – detox/retox. It’s okay that you’ve been naughty and indulgent, because there’s a plum for that.

Relax. Drink water. Avoid harsh lighting and stressful people (if possible).Read old Bats Bazaar posts—they’re good for you. Apologize to any colleagues/friends/family members you may have offended, avoid your phone history and drink the broth of Umeboshi – the kindly, affable friend here to make sure you start your day right.

Because a ‘detox’ regimen doesn’t have to cost £300 and deny you of solid food.

Disclaimer: These are heinously salty. I demonstrate the least offensive method of ingestion below.








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